I finished my last exam on Wednesday. It's an understatement to say it didn't go well. But, I've become strangely resistant to that feeling now, and it's worrying.
I knew how important it was that I did well, but I still didn't put in the effort. Others can say that you worked hard, but I'm the only one who knows, right? I did work hard, but at the same time, I also lost my motivation, so in the end it would probably not be seen as hard work.
The one thing I wanted the most, the one thing that I honestly had been 100% sure that I would be able to get at the beginning of this year, was destroyed by me.
Still, there is a slight chance, however tiny it may be. I am safe for now, but, if I sabotage myself again, then I won't be able to go. So, I can't fool around in the summer.
I have a lot of fears and uncertainties going through my mind right now, about which I want to talk to someone. I don't think it'll help, seeing as they can only offer either comforting words or false hope. Also, I'm afraid that once I voice them out, they will become real, and it won't be as easy to pass off as me over-thinking something.
I have my last exam tonight, so obviously I was studying very hard yesterday! I found a quiet study room in my university and I just studied for 4 or 5 hours straight. Soon, it was time to go home, and I had to go to the washroom. While I was washing my hands, I looked at my reflection, and got a huge shock!
MY RIGHT EYE WAS COMPLETELY RED! I freaked out so much..! What the heck happened to my eye? My eyes were irritated all day, but I thought it was from lack of sleep! Maybe I was too stressed and blood vessels had broken underneath..! But, yeah, I freaked out and immediately called my mum! She sounded a little worried too, and said that she would take me to the doctor when she picked me up from the bus station.
As usual, the bus was late, and I had about an hour and a half (including wait time) to sit there and worry about what was going on with my eye. I seriously think I'm a hypochondriac. I just kept going through all these scenarios in my head about what it could be, but I suppose none of them were "realistic".
Anyways, I got picked up at the bus station, and we went to the clinic. Everyone did a double take at my eye, and then they tried not to stare at it. -_- I mean, I checked in the mirror, after I got in the car, and it wasn't as red as before! After waiting for 5-10 minutes, I got to see a doctor. Lol, he took one look at my eye and made a diagnosis in 10 seconds. He said that it was an infection and I should use anti-bacterial eye drops.I wonder how it happened. I don't carry around a hand sanitizer and clean my hands every minute, but it's not like my hands are filthy! Maybe I somehow caught from another person.. ><
Either way, I'm keeping my distance from people for now. I've been doing that for a while since I didn't want to catch the flu or the cold from people.
Time to continue studying. I've been so unmotivated this year..! But one good thing did happen yesterday! I handed in my application for the exchange! Yay~ and in 2 weeks or so, they're going to start the interviews! I have to prepare for that!
Haha, I've noticed that pretty much all my recent posts have been about me complaining about something, but why not? :P
It's my blog, so here I am complaining about being under stress again!
Although, it's usually my fault that I put myself under stress by slacking off.
Here's all the things I did to currently raise my stress level so high:
- Obviously, I procrastinated, by not doing my readings/practice problems on time.
- Why, oh why did I value entertainment during such an important time?! Maybe I should block YouTube until next week, and Facebook, of course
- Two tests within 12 hours of each other this week, and also good thing that my essay due on Wed got delayed to next week
- Skipping classes to study, then not studying
- NO SLEEEEEEP~ (Very little sleep, actually) I've been a tired little zombie for the past few weeks. The 30-40 minutes of sleep time I get on the bus is not enough -_-
- Not eating right either
- Excessive internets that is not related to studying..!
So it's been a month already since university started, and things are busier than ever! D: Not that it's stopping me from procrastinating.. which is a very very bad habit. -_-
But I really shouldn't! This year is super important, as in I have to work really hard and bring my grades up! BECAUSE: