˚°¤☆The colour of the future ☆¤°˚

I haven't written here for a while. But, I guess that's because I have Tumblr, and I've been kinda busy. It's not like anyone actually reads this.

Lately, my weekends have been like this one, except for last week when I went to see a movie with my friends. You know how you have those times where you don't want any human contact? I guess, in my case, I don't want to talk to anyone face-to-face or on the phone. Despite feeling like that, I was still feeling pretty lonely. I mean, I did talk to my cousin, and my parents yesterday morning, but then I just got this feeling, and I've just been ignoring my mom's messages to call her. I'm doing this a lot, and just passing it off as forgetting or being busy with school, even though I'm not.

It's a pretty crummy feeling. I'm feeling homesick, but I'm pretty nervous to actually have to go home. Being by myself isn't satisfying. Being at home might not feel satisfying. There's a conversation I need to have with my parents when I go home, and probably every time we talk on the phone, I think about it, and I clam up. I'm really nervous about it. I need to ask for something, and I'm scared about their reactions.

I mean, at least I have something to talk about to someone next time.

Oh god, oh god, I'm panicking a little bit, because I have just realized what I did.
Not like it's a bad thing, but it's making my head explode a little every time I think about it.
I want to talk to my best friend about but she's all the way at her university and I probably won't see her till both our exams are finished.

Sometimes, I think that I'd give anything to be one of those people who really have a grip on what they'd like to do with their lives. I mean, it's not like it's a bad thing, taking it one day at a time and having ever-changing dreams.

I just wonder what it would have been like if I really stuck with what my dreams from when I was a kid.

I'm still young, I guess, so it's ok to not have everything decided right now. But I feel like it'll be a life of something that I'm just tolerating, instead of living.

I want to have something that I'm so passionate about so that nothing else matters. I have to find it somehow.

Yes, I am procrastinating. I should be doing the French homework or be recopying my micro notes, instead I decided to do this because I haven't written in a while.

My summer courses are passing by really quickly! I'm happy I'm only taking 2 instead of the 3 I was originally planning to take this term.. that would have definitely stressed me out too much! It was a 4th year International Studies course about war and its philosophies, and I couldn't understand anything since I'm an econ major, and not a sociology major.

Anyways, I just wanted to share some pictures~ Granted, I've already done so on Facebook and tumblr, but I'm so proud of them that I want to post it everywhere! Well, that was a bit of a lie.. I am proud of it, but everytime I look at them, my eyes criticize every small mistake I made and I scold myself  about the million ways I could have made it better.

The Golden Snitch

Loki's helmet

The Mockingjay pin

I'll be turning 22 tomorrow. While I'm writing this, I'm going to try to not be pessimistic and criticize myself for my mistakes over the past 22 years.  Mistakes have been made, but I do have a great life, with my family and friends supporting me.
What's done is done, right? And all I can do is try to be a better person from now on. I don't know if I've really changed much from last year. Maybe, I've grown up a little more and I'm thinking of things outside my own little bubble. Though, it's a bubble I'm not ready to leave yet.

I guess four years ago, I thought I'd be graduating by now, and, either going to graduate school or finding a job. Well, I'm not doing a lot of things that I thought I would be doing by now, but I don't think I'm in a bad place right now. I could possibly be going to Japan or I could have one last year at university and really prepare myself to get out into the real world, and figure out what I want to do. Because it feels like I'm wasting away my life doing nothing worthwhile each day.

Maybe I should set a goal for myself, to accomplish something, even if it's a tiny thing, just so I can feel good about myself lol. I actually wrote some stuff down after I finished my exams, like I'll do 5 kanji a day, or I'll study 4 french verbs a day. Yeah, didn't really do that, mostly because it bored me I guess?

Haha, so I'm going to keep thinking and see where that goes.

I finished my last exam on Wednesday. It's an understatement  to say it didn't go well. But, I've become strangely resistant to that feeling now, and it's worrying.

I knew how important it was that I did well, but I still didn't put in the effort. Others can say that you worked hard, but I'm the only one who knows, right? I did work hard, but at the same time, I also lost my motivation, so in the end it would probably not be seen as hard work.

The one thing I wanted the most, the one thing that I honestly had been 100% sure that I would be able to get at the beginning of this year, was destroyed by me.

Still, there is a slight chance, however tiny it may be. I am safe for now, but, if I sabotage myself again, then I won't be able to go. So, I can't fool around in the summer.

I have a lot of fears and uncertainties going through my mind right now, about which I want to talk to someone. I don't think it'll help, seeing as they can only offer either comforting words or false hope. Also, I'm afraid that once I voice them out, they will become real, and it won't be as easy to pass off as me over-thinking something.

I had a lot of fun yesterday~! I met other people going to Japan, and one of them is going to the same university! And I also met a girl who returned from the university that I'm going to attend! I got a lot of my questions answered, and also learned that it's not going to be a complete breeze, suddenly living in a different country!

As nervous and excited as I am, I really can't research and think about this right now! I have 2 more exams to get through (where I need to get excellent grades) to pull up my GPA! And then I can do whatever preparations I want for Japan without feeling guilty!

Why am I even on my blog? I don't know.. I'm going back to studying! I have 4 chapters of math to go through before Sunday!! And why do I have a Sunday exam in the first place?! It's my 2nd year in a row having a Sunday one.. >.<


Here's an excellent Harry Potter Medley that I'm listening to on repeat!

Tomorrow's the pre-departure training for the exchange! It's going to be all day, from 8:15 AM - 5:30 PM! What are we going to be doing for the whole day? :o

I'm really excited to meet other people who are going to Japan! My friend from my Japanese class is going to a different university, but she's going to be in Tokyo too! Ahh I'm so excited and scared at the same time!

So before I go to the training, I'm supposed to fill out this host country questionnaire, and it has a lot of different types of questions about the culture, background, health, safety and academics of Japan. So while researching, I came across a lot of racism directed towards foreigners, and I'm wondering if a lot of people are going to react like that. I have meet some exchange students who came here, and they are the sweetest bunch of people I have met, so obviously, I can't generalize something like that!

Anyways, I finally finished that tedious questionnaire! I learned a lot of stuff actually. I don't think I would have thought to check all this stuff on my own!

Time to sleep, and then wake up in about 5 hours so I can catch my bus! >_<

I woke up pretty early for a Sunday~! I have to finish my part of the math assignment by tomorrow, so I'm doing it all now. However, I underestimated how long it will take me to do it because these formulas are a little hard to understand. And I hit an unexpected bump yesterday which had me in fit of panic.

I didn't buy the current version of my math textbook because it was like $120, and I just bought the previous version from someone, which was $25. As I started to do my assignment yesterday, I noticed that my previous edition book didn't have a Chapter 9. I thought that was a mistake, since the assignment was clearly on Chapter 9. So I looked up the Table of Contents of the new book, and there was a Chapter 9.

I have a tendency to not notice tiny things like that. And look how it came to bite me in the butt. A large part of the exam will be based on this chapter too, and I don't have it! Not to mention, I won't be able to finish the assignment! There was no time to borrow it from someone either. So I ended up finding an online version which  was about $70 cheaper than the bookstore, and I figured this I don't really have much of a choice, so I ended up buying it.

It's been a while! Haha I don't know why I haven't posted here! Guess it's just been a little busy.
Anyways, today is the Ontario Speech Contest in which I'm representing my university!
I woke up about 15 minutes before my alarm because of a weird, somewhat foreshadowing dream about today. Well, I had 2 actually.

In the first one, I went and did my speech, then I left my seat and went home. Then, I was playing with my brother, when I look at the time. It's 6:15, and they're apparently supposed to announce the results at 6:30, and I was freaking out that I wasn't there! If I wasn't at the place when they announce results, then I'm disqualified! So I cried because I probably lost.

My second dream was less dramatic. At the beginning of my speech, I ask a couple of questions. So when I asked them, people in the audience started answering them, which is a bad thing because it kept throwing me off! And the whole thing is being timed so I dreamed that I went over and got penalized ! And it was all because of the stupid audience! :(

Well, even though it's only 8:30, I still have a lot of stuff to do before going to contest place, so I should get ready now!

I can totally do it and win today!! I'll be confident and speak clearly and not get nervous! I just have to remember how hard I worked at this! :D

I have my last exam tonight, so obviously I was studying very hard yesterday! I found a quiet study room in my university and I just studied for 4 or 5 hours straight. Soon, it was time to go home, and I had to go to the washroom. While I was washing my hands, I looked at my reflection, and got a huge shock!

MY RIGHT EYE WAS COMPLETELY RED! I freaked out so much..! What the heck happened to my eye? My eyes were irritated all day, but I thought it was from lack of sleep! Maybe I was too stressed and blood vessels had broken underneath..! But, yeah, I freaked out and immediately called my mum! She sounded a little worried too, and said that she would take me to the doctor when she picked me up from the bus station.

As usual, the bus was late, and I had about an hour and a half (including wait time) to sit there and worry about what was going on with my eye. I seriously think I'm a hypochondriac. I just kept going through all these scenarios in my head about what it could be, but I suppose none of them were "realistic".

Anyways, I got picked up at the bus station, and we went to the clinic. Everyone did a double take at my eye, and then they tried not to stare at it. -_- I mean, I checked in the mirror, after I got in the car, and it wasn't as red as before! After waiting for 5-10 minutes, I got to see a doctor. Lol, he took one look at my eye and made a diagnosis in 10 seconds. He said that it was an infection and I should use anti-bacterial eye drops.I wonder how it happened. I don't carry around a hand sanitizer and clean my hands every minute, but it's not like my hands are filthy! Maybe I somehow caught from another person.. ><

Either way, I'm keeping my distance from people for now. I've been doing that for a while since I didn't want to catch the flu or the cold from people.

Time to continue studying. I've been so unmotivated this year..! But one good thing did happen yesterday! I handed in my application for the exchange! Yay~ and in 2 weeks or so, they're going to start the interviews! I have to prepare for that!

Haha, I've noticed that pretty much all my recent posts have been about me complaining about something, but why not? :P
It's my blog, so here I am complaining about being under stress again!
Although, it's usually my fault that I put myself under stress by slacking off.
Here's all the things I did to currently raise my stress level so high:

1. Obviously, I procrastinated, by not doing my readings/practice problems on time.
2. Why, oh why did I value entertainment during such an important time?! Maybe I should block YouTube until next week, and Facebook, of course
3. Two tests within 12 hours of each other this week, and also good thing that my essay due on Wed got delayed to next week 
4. Skipping classes to study, then not studying
5. NO SLEEEEEEP~ (Very little sleep, actually) I've been a tired little zombie for the past few weeks. The 30-40 minutes of sleep time I get on the bus is not enough -_- 
6. Not eating right either
7. Excessive internets that is not related to studying..! 

So it's been a month already since university started, and things are busier than ever! D: Not that it's stopping me from procrastinating.. which is a very very bad habit. -_-

But I really shouldn't! This year is super important, as in I have to work really hard and bring my grades up! BECAUSE:

Or more like uncomfortableness, because I have super intense pain killers XD But I don't want to take too many of it during the day since it makes me very drowsy. I'd rather save it for when I sleep.

I love Ren~ <3 I hope he get Mio and Ren (the middle two) can be together (which they probably will XD)